Exit Project - and a cd giveaway

My brother and sister in law have a fantastic band called Exit Project. This popped into my head today because I think that's what I need next - an exit project to escape my day job.

Exit Project

I work as a freelance writer and editor. I am paid well for what I do, and have some expertise in my own niche. The trouble is, I have outgrown my niche. It has started to feel like a pidgeonhole. And I'm ready to spread my wings.

I've had a long freelance career, so I've parted company with clients a number of times before, almost always entirely amicably. Usually a project ends, funding dries up or they decide to hire a full time person rather than outsourcing. Almost immediately, a new project tends to show up.

This time it feels different. I edit a magazine for someone, I feel a fair bit of responsibility. I also, to be honest, need the cash.

So why do I need an Exit Project?

• I feel out of alignment with the audience I write for. We have nothing in common (beyond being human).
• I don't enjoy the topics I write about.
• I feel constrained and limited in what I can do.
• My creative ideas to improve things have met with strong resistance, even though that was part of my job description.
• I have frequent issues with a disrespectful co-worker.

Most importantly?

I get a feeling of deep dread in my gut every time I turn my attention to this work. It feels all wrong.

How have I come to this place of feeling wrong?
Well, to be honest there were some early disappointments. But I have also been doing a great deal of inner work on myself, including what I want to do with my time and talents. Some of the people or courses that have helped along the way are:

A visit to Portland to see Havi Brooks from The Fluent Self at her Rally course

Online work with Andrea at The Creative Magic Academy where I recently took part in the Creative Dream Incubator

And finally a beautiful piece of magical transformation at Jane's Reframing Your Story, which I felt was the icing on the cake after the deep in-person and online group work from each of the other two courses.

After all of this work I am very clear on what I need more of in my life, and what feels good. I'm starting to work more intensively on some creative projects. These may or may not lead to some kind of income - but whether or not that comes to pass, I still have to acknowledge the deep discomfort I'm feeling in my current role. I'm just not a good fit.

So how do I plan to exit?

I have some creative changes to turn the business around that I want to attempt to implement. I want to create clear documentation - a few lists and processes - to leave the role easy for the next person to take on. And then in the New Year, I plan to leave.

I think it's time for a new chapter to begin, and shedding this part of my career is the final step towards being really authentic.

I have a copy of Exit Project's very aptly named CD Single, Healing Slow to give away. Leave a comment below and I'll put names in a hat Thursday!

Following your own pattern

I’ve always formed my knit stitches the ‘wrong’ way – I knit each stitch through the back loop (ktbl in knitting shorthand). Under some circumstances it makes no difference – the stitches either ‘untwist’ depending on what I’m doing as I knit back along the next row, or they form a particularly tight kind of stitch that actually works quite well for the majority of simple patterns.

But if I start to knit lace, where you make holes deliberately, my work starts to ‘fail’. Here’s what I mean – the stitches are often dropped and then loops made to bridge the gap. If you knit through these the wrong way, what was intended as a shape in the design can end up leaving very little hole in the fabric at all. Or it can create holes where the pattern did not intend them.

The lacy motifs can end up not resembling the pretty pattern image at all. Where did I go wrong?

I have my own way of doing things, and I’m trying to be true to my own vision and values. I am very lucky to have grown up in an environment and been part of a community where, by in large, everyone was making their fabric in their own way, the way that felt best.

And some of them weren’t even aware there were patterns to follow.

I soon learned that a lot of the so-called ‘real’ world was not like this. There were certain boxes you would need to fit into, that others could recognize. If you wouldn’t fit, they were puzzled, and often frustrated. It was easy to end up thinking that I needed to change – I thought I had to work with the system to succeed.

Despite being intelligent and good at a number of things, no-one was really too clear on what I could do with my life; least of all me.

Sometimes, the light would dawn, that I was never going to fit into any of those boxes, or be able to follow any of those popular patterns, and I would have to leave my job or move and change to shake things up.

But culture and expectation are powerful, most of all in our own minds – even if we don’t always see that. The wonderful storyteller and Jungian Clarissa Pinkola Estes goes into this in beautiful depth in her audio sessions on this, which I am really enjoying listening to right now.

Currently I’m working on a sweater, which has lacy, bell-like sleeves. I started to make it my own way. But I soon realized that this wasn’t going to work. I decided to change my thinking.

I invented an exotic new stitch, one that was special and for use just on this project. It’s called knit through front loop. Most of you would just call it “knit”.

I have decided that my way is not wrong: it’s just different. By dipping into and re-labeling this bit of knitting culture, in a curious and playful way, I can borrow the mainstream pattern without the need to judge anything.

It’s easy to blame ourselves for not fitting in, to lose confidence, and maybe to continue to do things in ways that feel wrong to us to satisfy the prevailing culture: the inner and the outer cultures both.

I’m waiting to see if the end result looks anything like the pattern.

Even if it does not, I thing I like the results so far.